[on date]
*check comes*
ME: girl I got this
*waiter returns minutes later*
WAITER: sir, this is an expired gym membership
ME: run it again— rob elliott (@rockymomax) December 20, 2015
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell pic.twitter.com/LM1yhbkW0M
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) September 12, 2017
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) June 5, 2017
[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
“hmmm”— glam cabal (@themiltron) March 28, 2016
[a hacker steals my identity and inadvertently improves my credit score]
— penjamin.exe (@upsidedowntrash) September 14, 2017
when you go out with your 'couple' friends pic.twitter.com/V5vSzWkhSa
— spacegirl (@iamspacegirl) September 16, 2016
as you can see from these ruins, people of the 21st century had a colorful pantheon of gods pic.twitter.com/DE5jXBNfxd
— DOCFUTURE (@topherflorence) September 15, 2017
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) July 9, 2017
When your mom keeps talking after church and you just wanna go home and take a nap pic.twitter.com/L7X0WuwZJ1
— Things Mormons Like (@TheMormonLikes) September 14, 2017
You can tell the summer is officially over when my dermatologist gives the order to “Retract Shields.”
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) September 14, 2017
