You won’t want to take a knee when you read the best jokes from Twitter this week. But also, don’t stand with your hand over your heart. That’s a bit much for a humor column, isn’t it?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) June 23, 2017
I thought Kurt Russell had a tiny personal hairdresser in this photo and tbh my brain was fine with the idea pic.twitter.com/NjgNyawca0
— Jamie Ghost Fart (@jamiesmart) October 11, 2017
looks like somebody’s insecure pic.twitter.com/brUHlrgVxs
— online hype guy (@TheHyyyype) October 12, 2017
me: they didn’t respond because they’re busy don’t jump to any conclusions
my brain: pic.twitter.com/wh30Zq7RNJ
— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) October 12, 2017
google search: do companies give out pity internships
— new hampy (@sgdeshazo) October 11, 2017
WAITRESS: how are your meals so far?
ME: BRING ME A FORK THAT WORKS ON THESE CROUTONS OR I WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND
— Very Scary Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) October 11, 2017
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) October 11, 2017
(making out with my date) alexa play Jurassic Park soundtrack
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 12, 2017
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
— KRANG ? NELSON (@KrangTNelson) August 18, 2017
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) June 5, 2016