Had enough of hurricane coverage and arguments about divisive issues and hot-headed politicians? Kick back and enjoy the funniest moments of the week from the vast hive-mind we call “Twitter.”
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”
*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 14, 2016
[on my deathbed in 50 years] ugh when that hostess said “enjoy your meal” why did I reply “you too”
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 8, 2017
Degenerate football coach takes job at Christian school pic.twitter.com/ER1L7VxSjt
— John Crist (@johnbcrist) August 31, 2017
This is my 7th day in #Israel, my body is 62% hummus. #ConanIsrael pic.twitter.com/kQRdknjgTa
— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 31, 2017
Don’t flatter yourself, “infinity” scarf. You go around twice, three times if I skip breakfast.
— Jamie A Lee (@TheJamieLee) August 28, 2017
Dear Satan, thank you for creating a situation where I was able to drive over and crush my car keys and AirPods. That’s special thinking.
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) August 27, 2017
Not sure who did this of my tweet but I love it. pic.twitter.com/HXNHxvpaoI
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 30, 2017
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) August 30, 2017
— Respectful Memes (@RespectfulMemes) August 31, 2017
you: *tweets something smart about politics*
me: shoes are just socks for your socks— Ally Gator ? (@notacroc) August 31, 2017
[shark tank] me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) September 1, 2017
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho pic.twitter.com/99rRC37SGd
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) June 17, 2017
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Help me, I’ve fallen
ME: But where does it say you’re an egg? Huh? Where does it say that?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Please I’m dying
— REW (@therealeatwood) February 12, 2017
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST *starts to shuffle them*
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 20, 2017
