Twitter’s reputation for snark and sarcasm is well-earned, but, happily, there are genuine instances of wit, too. Enjoy!
— Josh Patten (@thejoshpatten) July 14, 2017
I don’t get dressed up to go on dates but I did just smooth out my shirt as I passed a cute dog
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) July 18, 2017
love that someone keeps trying to add a “cyberbullying activity” section to my wikipedia page
— joe mande (@JoeMande) July 15, 2017
Feeling nervous about the pilot on my flight. He looks 12, has braces, plus there’s a “STUDENT FLYER” sign on the top of the plane.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 10, 2017
A funny time to fart- right after Steve Harvey yells “survey says.”
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) July 19, 2017
It feels like every rural relationship is a Dateline waiting to happen.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) June 6, 2017
Current mood pic.twitter.com/1F38Uwvmuo
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 19, 2017
Today I was in a rush so I wore underwear still damp from the dryer. Friends, it turned out ok. Gratitude – pass it on.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) July 20, 2017
wishing zits would stop airbnbing my face
— Jamie A Lee (@TheJamieLee) July 11, 2017
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
— rob corddry (@robcorddry) June 13, 2016
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) July 21, 2017
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) July 16, 2017
a guy just skateboarded by me with a pizza at 830 am & i’ve never proposed marriage so hard
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) July 21, 2017
Dear Satan, thank you for making sure that whichever ink jet cartridge replacements I order are wrong.
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) July 18, 2017
Just heard on TV, “I get death threats too. I just don’t talk about it.” #Humblebrag
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) July 3, 2017